A Grounded Man’s Guide to Boundaries
Losing your cool and spouting off demands isn’t the way to effectively set boundaries with others.
This article contains excerpts for my book, The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man
A truly grounded man must be able to define his personal boundaries, communicate those boundaries, and remove himself from any circumstance where those boundaries are continually crossed.
That means that he doesn’t shy away from controlled confrontation or disagreeing with others if he feels it’s necessary.
He must have the willingness to walk away from anyone—friends, family, romantic partners—if they continually disregard the boundaries he has established. This is where many men falter; they talk a good game, but when it comes time to actually enforce those boundaries, they don’t follow through.
The willingness to walk away isn’t something that can be faked, or done in a half-hearted manner. People are intuitive—they will know if you mean business. It will show it in your voice, how you express yourself, even in your eyes. You can tell when someone is done.
Setting boundaries for yourself must begin with knowing who you are. Ask yourself:
How do you respect to be treated
How do YOU expect to treat others
What matters to you in life, and what you value in your personal relationships
Some misconstrue the concept of enforcing personal boundaries. They believe you have to be controlling, rigid, or that the slightest hint of disrespect should be met with swift consequences—like immediately cutting off a relationship.
This isn’t how a grounded persona establishes boundaries. The examples above are re-directed ego, not personal advocacy.
Reasonable, Respectful, Reciprocated
This is the framework I have set for myself with expressing boundaries in a grounded, effective manner. Remember, boundaries shouldn’t be an outlet for feelings. You don’t want to communicate boundaries in an angry or heightened emotional state; that will only inhibit clear communication.
Reasonable. Boundaries aren’t meant to be a litany of demands. Reasonable boundaries define how you expect to be treated. For instance, it’s reasonable to expect your partner to not flirt with others behind your back. However, it’s not realistic to expect them NEVER to be attracted to anyone else.
Respectful. Your boundaries are meant to define what you are unwilling to accept, not act as a mode of control. If your boundaries are communicated with aggression or insults, they won’t be seen as legitimate. When we feel disrespected, it’s human inclination to respond with disrespect. If you want your boundaries to be recognized and respected, communicate in the same fashion.
Reciprocated. If you can’t abide by the same standard you set for the other person, then don’t make it. Men with integrity don’t make hypocritical demands.
As mentioned previously, constantly threatening to break up for minor infractions is an attempt to control. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have consequences in place.
Simply put, removing yourself from someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries is the most powerful way to reiterate your message. It’s not about “punishing” them—it’s a no-bullshit way of demonstrating that you will not put yourself in situations that you find unacceptable.
Boundaries are there to ensure that your personal relationships are healthy. Upholding those boundaries consistently in a balanced manner is difficult but necessary.