A Guide to Not Overthinking on Dates

A healthy sense of detachment is required. Chill the fuck out.

Most adult men never stop acting like teenagers when it comes to dating.

Think about how you felt when you first started on your dating journey. Inexperienced teenagers are always incredibly nervous, consumed with impressing their date, treat the date as a life-or-death situation. If she doesn’t fall in love after the date, he’s missed out on a future with the potential love of he’s blown it. Unfortunately, a good percentage of men never grow out of this.

They date to impress, forget about their own needs, and place the woman on a pedestal.

I believe this can all be traced back to a scarcity mentality—the belief that the woman you are on a date with is your last shot. No other attractive woman will want to date you, it’s over. This irrational fear clouds most guys’ perception of reality. There are 7 billion people on the planet, approximately have of which are women. It is insane to believe that your one Tinder match was your only opportunity at happiness.

No wonder so many guys psych themselves out and act awkward.

A few simple mindset shifts completely altered my dating life. Dating frames with an objective—girlfriend, future wife, relationship, etc.— always leads to disaster. The more you plan and fantasize, the more you shoot yourself in the foot.

Here are some mindset shifts to stop acting like an uptight dweeb on dates:

1. Every date is a win. No matter what happens, you have a new story, a new lesson, and an opportunity to sharpen your social skills for when you meet someone who is suited for you. If you bomb and act awkward, you have a funny story as you gain more experience. Who gives a shit. Be an experience collector. If a woman you (hopefully) find attractive agrees to spend time alone with you, you’ve already won to a degree. When you start losing is when you treat the date a trial for a relationship/

2. Don’t fantasize, or place expectation on things. Fantasizing is poison. It always makes things awkward, reality never aligns with fantasy. Stay in the moment, let things develop, have fun. If you start placing your romantic hopes on a woman you just met prematurely, of course you’re going to get nervous. You know nothing about her. Become detached from expectation.

3. Only focus on fun. Your sole objective is to have much fun as you can, and do what you can to make her feel comfortable and have fun as well. That’s it. Why the fuck are you even there if you’re not having fun? First dates are inherently a little awkward, but there’s no reason that should impact your ability to have fun. Embrace it.

4. She’s not the prize. As mentioned in the intro, guys get into this approval seeking mindset on dates, where their primary objective is to impress or win her over. She has as much to prove as you do. Do you have fun with her? Is she interesting? Is she irritating. If a woman is attractive, it’s easy to fall into trap of believing that you’re just lucky to be there, but this is mistake. Beauty is common. There will be other opportunity is this doesn’t work.

5. There is abundance out there. A lot of guys struggle with this. But as you gain more experience and momentum in your dating life, this concept will become more and more apparent. For this reason, I always encourage guys to maximize opportunity and keep options open when available. Until you are in a relationship, the best strategy is date as much as possible. Nobody is owed your commitment until you are in established relationship. Scarcity enhances perception. You go on a date with an attractive woman, but you haven’t had much opportunity in a long time, she suddenly becomes the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met. If you’re dating two other equally attractive women, that same woman isn’t as elevated.

6. Commitment to emotional freedom and being yourself. Being trapped in a relationship with someone who you have to change yourself for is an emotional prison. Commitment to your own needs and emotional freedom has to be a redline you set from the very beginning. It may not even be her fault, but if you can’t relax, be yourself, be goofy around, it isn’t worth it—no matter how physically attractive she is. Don’t force something that isn’t there because of neediness. Your personal freedom has to be paramount at all times.