Everyone. Gets. Rejected.
For real— it happens to all of us. How attractive men re-frame rejection and make the numbers game work for them
Despite what your favorite Substack Dating Guru may project, rejection is a necessary part of building an abundant dating life.
There is no such thing as an unstoppable ladies’ man who never faces rejection. This is a Hollywood myth and dating coach marketing ploy.
Here are some undeniable truths about rejection:
Everyone gets rejected, not just you.
Rejection only stings when there is scarcity.
Anyone who denies that they get rejected is an insecure liar.
Attractive people get rejected.
Rejection can be amusing when you’re not attached to outcome.
Here’s an excerpt from my book The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man about rejection:
“Say you’ve just come home from a second date with a woman that you find particularly attractive. In your mind, the date was a home run. The conversation was engaging, you both laughed, the night even ended with a kiss.
Soon after you arrive home, you get a text message. You’re excited because you think she’s going to let you know what great time she had, and she’s excited to meet up again. You look down at your phone and see the dreaded words:
‘Hey, I had a great time tonight, but…’
Shit.
‘…I wanted to be honest. I didn’t really feel like there was any type of connection between us. I really enjoyed our time together, but I don’t want to waste your time. I wish you the best.’
You reply with:
‘I appreciate the honesty. Best of luck to you as well’ ”
When you’re an attractive person, and have a lifestyle of abundance, rejection isn’t a catastrophic event. It’s simply a shift in a different direction.
When a woman is upfront and respectful with a rejection, consider it a compliment. She knows you will be fine. As an inherently attractive man, you will have other options, and need to realize that it’s best no to waste time with someone who has tepid interest in you.
After that, consider your connection with to her sealed and locked away—it’s over. Don’t reach out again or pretend to want friendship in hopes she’ll change her mind. She may reach out again, she may not. What she chooses to do is inconsequential.
Remember the cardinal rule—never chase a woman who made a choice to distance herself from you. You only dedicate time and energy to those who value you and make an effort for you.
A lot of guys make the critical mental error of believing that a rejection from one woman means all women feel the same way. Her (one woman’s) lack of attraction doesn’t apply to the entire female population. Success in dating is largely (although not entirely) a numbers game. There are a multitude of women who will find you attractive, even if one particular woman doesn’t. Giving up and throwing a fit after one rejection will prevent you from opportunity.
How can you maintain the self-perception of an attractive man with an abundance of opportunity when you collapse due to a single rejection?
Rejecting a man can be absolutely terrifying for a woman; unfortunately, her physical safety is often something she has to consider. Deceptive Nice Guys will often act like Prince Charming when things are going well, but when they get rejected, they lose their shit—the veil gets lifted.
Don’t be this guy. The ability to handle rejection with grace is a crucial component of your integrity as a man, and an integral part of your overall attractiveness.
Here are some general guidelines for handling rejection as an attractive man:
Process the emotions. Rejection can be painful, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling let down. When facing rejection, it’s important to not only allow yourself to feel the emotions, but be present and analytical in those feelings without dwelling. Also recognize that some rejections warrant more emotional energy than others. If your girlfriend of two years leaves you for another guy, the feelings that come with that situation are more complex than getting ghosted on a dating app. Don’t let minor rejections from strangers discourage you.
De-stigmatize. This step is essential. Do not put yourself in the frame of mind that rejection is something that happens just to you. When you’re rejected, it can feel like someone else’s opinion are the final judgment of you as a person. This type of thinking is ludicrous. Rejection is a frequent part of life that EVERYONE experiences, no matter what is projected on social media.
Detach. If you listen to some accounts of the most successful people in history, a common theme is that they were rejected over and over again, yet still persevered. Successful people seek out pleasure rather than focus on avoiding the discomfort (i.e. rejection). Here’s a secret—men who have the most success with women are often the ones who get rejected the most . Men who are wholly detached from rejection are the most powerful; rejection almost becomes a point of self-amusement. Guys who have an ambivalent attitude toward rejection are even able to joke about it with their friends instead of treating as a mark against their self-worth.
If you struggle with the ability to move on from even minor rejection, here are some great quotes to keep you motivated:
“I hit big, or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.” - Babe Ruth, who was known as the “King of Homeruns”—but also the “King of Strikeouts.” Guess which name people remember?
“You have to learn to take rejection not as an indication of personal failing, but as wrong address.” - Ray Bradbury
“Most men with weak grasps of their own truth fantasize about the ability to never be rejected, ever. Not only is this a manifestation of their neediness, it’s unrealistic…” - Mark Manson