Not Your Fucking Friend: A Guide to Breaking the Nice Guy Mentality

Simple (but not easy) guidelines for killing your inner Nice Guy. Spoiler—it’s going to get uncomfortable.

One of the most frequently asked questions I get is:

“How do I actually stop being a Nice Guy?”

My typical response is this—first, like any other fundamental mindset change, it’s a process.

It’s also a process that is never-ending.

You’ll notice general improvements over time, but there will never be a day where you wake up and are “cured” of your Nice Guy habits. I say this as a recovering Nice Guy myself. There are times you will regress, and fall back into Nice Guy patterns.

This will happen because being a Nice Guy can feel really comfortable and safe—it’s a lifestyle that avoids discomfort, and is designed to duck conflict.

Our modern advances make conflict avoidance easier than ever. The downside of being a Nice Guy that you will live an empty life that lacks integrity, where you will fail to make genuine connections with others.

People are incredibly adept at detecting disingenuous behavior, which the Nice Guy bases his life around. Being authentic may make some dislike you— or make others uncomfortable—but it’s the only way others will truly begin to respect you.

Be Vigilant About Covert Contracts

Covert Contracts are unspoken, unconscious agreements where one person expects certain behaviors from another based on their own actions, without explicitly stating these expectations.

Dr. Robert Glover, who popularized the concept in his classic book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, that Nice Guys explained why Nice Guys base their existence on Covert Contracts:

“A Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague.”

The nature of Covert Contracts leads to self-deception and delusion—often times, we convince ourselves that we’re taking authentic action, when in reality the primary objective is to elicit response from someone else.

My personal definition of Authentic Action is the following:

“An action taken based on personal belief, set of ethics, or an expression of true desire wholly independent of the response from others.”

That means to truly take an authentic action, you have to be wholly detached from your desire to receive acceptance, approval, or positive reaction from someone. It’s easier said than done.

Often times, Covert Contracts may initially seem like the ‘right’ thing to do. You may think you’re being a decent person, you may think you’re advocating for yourself, when in reality you’re trying to impress someone and win their favor.

Saying ‘I Love You’ is my favorite Covert Contract example. Parents and people in relationships do this all the time.

They want to hear ‘I love you’ expressed to them by a loved one, so they’ll say it first in hopes of getting the same response. They’re not saying it to purely express affection and make the other person feel loved with reciprocation.

Sure, part of their motivation is to express affection and make the other person feel good, but it’s not the primary objective. Ultimately, it’s fake and disingenuous.

This doesn’t mean saying ‘I love you’ is inherently a Covert Contract—it’s when an expectation of reciprocation is attached.

You will never break out of your Nice Guy patterns until you truly understand Covert Contracts, and have a full awareness of when you are using them.

The litmus test for Covert Contracts is this—is your behavior based on your personal desires, beliefs, or code of ethics that are detached from the reaction or approval others?

Or

Is your behavior designed to win someone’s approval or validation, subtly manipulate them, or avoid conflict?

This requires the utmost level of honesty and accountability with ourselves, and it’s usually the more difficult path. However, you’ll never change your Nice Guy ways if you don’t take the difficult path.

Your Body Leads, the Mind will Follow

On the surface it may seem unrelated, but a key component of breaking out the Nice Guy mentality is being physically powerful and fit. Sure, there are tons of guys who are in great shape and still are insecure Nice Guys. Physical fitness isn’t a guarantee of mental strength; however, it provides the necessary foundation.

Nice Guy behavior is rooted in anxiety, and manifests in seeking approval and validation in others. The link between mental health and anxiety reduction with weightlifting/heavy resistance training is irrefutable at this point.

You must put physical fitness as a priority if you want to break free of the Nice Guy mentality. Society has begun to demonize physical strength in men, but don’t fall into this trap. Physically powerful men simply garner more respect. You will be fighting an uphill battle and have less resilience if you are weak and out of shape.

Embracing Masculine Competition

One of the hallmarks of being a Nice Guy is not being able to put yourself first.

You don’t want to risk upsetting other people, or making them uncomfortable. Being competitive carries these risks, but is absolutely necessary. Competition is a requirement to nourish your masculine energy.

Nice Guys will repress their masculine competitive nature to avoid conflict. The only way to break from the frame of mind is to compete and bond with other men frequently, a minimum of two times a week. Some examples:

• Contact martial arts (Muay Thai, BJJ, Boxing)

• A team sport or recreation league

• Playing cards or other competitive games

Bottom line, you have to be comfortable being excellent and placing yourself above other men from time to time. This won’t always spare feelings, but it’s crucial in maintaining your masculine edge.

Holding Boundaries With Others, Especially Immediate Family

A truly grounded man must be able to define his personal boundaries, communicate those boundaries, and remove himself from any circumstance where those boundaries are continually crossed.

A sad fact of life is that our biggest detractors will often be those closest to us—our family. When we take action that makes them realize their own shortcomings or fear of pursuing their dreams, they will express disproval, often through passive-aggressive behavior.

A man who is willing to advocate for himself must have accept that he must to away from anyone—friends, family, romantic partners—if they continually disregard the boundaries he has established.

This is where many men falter; they talk a good game, but when it comes time to actually enforce those boundaries, they don’t follow through.

Setting boundaries for yourself must begin with knowing who you are. Always be aware of:

• How do you respect to be treated

• How do YOU expect to treat others

• What matters to you in life, and what you value in your personal relationships

Establishing boundaries with toxic family members is particularly difficult for Nice Guys, since they are shaped by shame and guilt—it’s their Kryptonite. When an entitled Mother, a critical Father, or a psychotic sibling manipulates or denigrates the Nice Guy, he is often afraid to push back.

Although it will come with personal attacks and guilt, removing yourself from someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries is the most powerful way to reiterate your message. It’s not about “punishing” them—it’s a no-bullshit way of demonstrating that you will not put yourself in situations that you find unacceptable.

Boundaries are there to ensure that your personal relationships are healthy. Upholding those boundaries consistently in a balanced manner is difficult but necessary.

Stop Putting Women on a Lustful Pedestal

A common trait of the Nice Guy is that He is lustful with women. Being lustful—or thirsty—for women is a state of scarcity and desperation, and is manifested through neediness and seeking approval.

However, man’s ability to control his lust (not his inherent sexual nature) is crucial in living a life of integrity, and how he is perceived by women.

I see guys do this all the time. They forget that the women they’re dating are human beings, not goddesses. Yes—women want to feel desired, appreciated, like the man she’s with is dedicated to her. But she also wants to feel like his equal, that in some instances he is more skilled and can lead, she wants someone she can relax and simply be goofy and have fun with.

Treating a woman as an object isn’t just a result of porn, or hyper sexualization. Women can also be objects of romantic fantasy as well, where their beauty is idealized and fetishized, and they aren’t viewed as a complete person with flaws.

Seeing her as a flawed human and not an ideal is crucial if you want any type of future with her. It’s a creepy, skewed dynamic when a man feels like a woman is above him, or is flawless. This may sound over the top, but men make this mistake frequently.

Yes—it’s easier said than done. When a man finds a woman physically beautiful or attractive, we are susceptible to the halo effect where she seems like a fantasy rather than a human.

Remember that beauty is common. Again, easier said than done, but critical. She might be fine, but there are literally tens of millions of women out there who look just as good, or better.

Pay more attention to her other traits other than her looks. Is she interesting? Does she treat others with respect? Does she have goals and ambitions? Is she funny? Take the focus off her looks. The more you can do that and not fetishize how she looks, the more you can focus on her whole personality.

Having a Defined Purpose, Embracing Discomfort, and Living a Life of Integrity

In No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Glover states that living a life of integrity is the first step to breaking out of Nice Guy patterns. I agree wholeheartedly. I believe that men derive our self worth primarily from others— particularly women—when our lives are empty of meaning, purpose, and a personal code.

To have begin leading a life of integrity, you have to have a defined self-identity. This is where most men falter. They have a vague, under-developed idea of their interests, beliefs, and how they view themselves. This requires an intense amount of self-reflection.

A defined sense of purpose. I don’t believe that everyone has one sole purpose; we will have many throughout our lives. Many people struggle to define their purpose, although they likely know what it is.

It’s usually something that that they have a natural inclination towards, something that give them a natural fire inside. What often holds us back from our purpose is the influence of others. We self-edit and restrict ourselves in fear of judgment of others.

The final component of a life of integrity is the willingness to lead and endure personal discomfort. You develop a true sense of self by doing difficult things that make you uncomfortable on a consistent basis.

It’s the price of admission.

Avoiding discomfort, conflict, and the call to lead is easy, but the hangover is an increased sense of shame. The upfront cost of being a leader is fear, but the reward of knowing you are able to accomplish what others can’t despite your doubts is essential to your masculine identity.