The Pillars of Inner Game for Men
Inner Game is crucial for every man, but it goes beyond self-confidence-- it's an innate understanding of your masculine essence and identity.
You may have seen a familiar term— ‘Inner Game’— pop up in the dating and Manosphere circles. However, over the years, a standardized answer has been elusive. Is Inner Game self-confidence, perseverance in the face of rejection, or the ability to detach your self worth from the opinion of women?
Admittedly, I’ve had a difficult time defining Inner Game myself, but in my view, those qualities listed above are only characteristics or merely some of the results of having developed Inner Game, not what Inner Game actually is.
Inner Game is your constitution as person, your knowledge and awareness of that constitution, and your outward actions that align with that knowledge. In simpler terms, Inner Game is steadfast assuredness in who you are, which is reflected through the majority of your actions, particularly during challenging situations.
It goes beyond just having confidence with women. Men absolutely need Inner Game to stand a chance at all in today’s modern world— whether it’s in the corporate world, dealing with friends or family, pursuing dreams, entrepreneurship, athletics—virtually all aspects of aspects of men’s lives require a thoroughly developed Inner Game in order to not get crushed.
Men rarely get external validation, praise, or even slight thanks in today’s world. Yet, our value to society is solely determined by what we accomplish and are able to provide to others. Excellence is expected of us, and that excellence is almost always driven internally. It’s a tall order—especially when the external narrative surrounding men in society is largely negative.
I’ve given a lot of thought to Inner Game, what it is, and how to develop it. The first fifty pages of my book, The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man, were dedicated to Inner Game. Even in the short handful of years since its release, my understanding and opinions on Inner Game have evolved, and will likely continue to change over time.
Improving your looks, health, fashion, or learning pickup techniques is fairly straight forward—those are more a matter of discipline and willingness to experience discomfort. Inner Game is highly personal, and can vary greatly person and person.
Stephen Covey covers an element of this concept in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: The Character Ethic vs. The Personality Ethic. Author Carrie Cabral sums up the concept nicely:
Character Ethic focuses on foundational traits, including integrity, humility, hard work, loyalty, self-control, courage, justice, patience, modesty, and morality.
Personality Ethic emphasizes skills and practices that affect your public image, attitudes, and behaviors. This approach offers quick-fix solutions — how to be more charming, have a more positive outlook, and influence people to do what you want.
I believe Character Ethic and Inner Game are somewhat related, but not entirely the same. In my view, personal integrity is a large component of having developed Inner Game; others may not feel the same, or may have an entirely different interpretation of what integrity is.
The concepts related to Character Ethic are more defined—Inner Game is more personal and more open to interpretation.
Below are my personal pillars on how I developed—and continually work to develop—my own Inner Game.
It’s a never-ending process, and something that is never fully complete. Time, our gathered knowledge and understanding of life will ultimately determine our self-perception, and how we choose to express it. That’s why self-reflection is critical on this topic. I encourage you to use these as guideposts, but to develop and write down your own, and adjust over time.
1. A developed and consistent self identity. To have Inner Game, you have to have a defined self identity. This is where most men falter. They have a vague, under-developed idea of their interests, beliefs, and how they view themselves. This pillar is the most difficult and requires the most reflection. I highly recommend that you write and reflect on the following in detail:
Your personal mission statement
What you stand for, even if it’s unpopular or causes others to dislike you
How you expect to treat others
How you expect to be treated
The things you’re willing to sacrifice for
Be specific, and honest with yourself. Even if no one will ever see it, it’s often very difficult to put these thoughts onto paper.
2. A mental inventories of victories, referenced often. Humans are wired to be self-reflective and critical. It’s how we improve and move forward in life. However, if your internal narrative about yourself always defaults to the negative, you will find that it’s nearly impossible to be self-assured and properly equipped to bring your purpose to fruition.
Identify four or five moments in your life that bring you pride in yourself. Moments where you overcame difficulty, you succeeded after struggle, or you felt pride in who you are. Write a list of these events and visual them. Close your eyes, and become familiar. You will refer to these from now on instead of defaulting to your shortcomings and failures. The brain cannot often distinguish between reality and what we imagine—make sure your internal frame of mind defaults to your victories.
3. A defined sense of purpose. I don’t believe that everyone has one sole purpose; we will have many throughout our lives. Many people struggle to define their purpose, although they likely know what it is. It’s usually something that that they have a natural inclination towards, something that give them a natural fire inside. What holds us back from our purpose is the influence of others. We self-edit and restrict ourselves in fear of judgment of others.
You have to disconnect from this way of thinking as soon as you can. Most people—including those closest to you—will try to dissuade you from pursuing your purpose. It will make them highly uncomfortable. So the issue isn’t figuring out your purpose, but having the balls to enact your dreams, even if it means judgment and ridicule.
4. Physical health and strength. This may not seem like it belongs with the other pillars, but it should likely be placed at number one. You have to have a strong, healthy body in order to have a strong mind. There’s no way around it. You cannot have a powerful inner constitution if your body is neglected. They go hand in hand.
The link between strength training/heavy lifting and mental health is irrefutable at this point. Dedicate yourself to pushing your physical limits regularly, through lifting, team sports, martial arts.
5. Ability to communicate effectively and speak publicly to elicit emotions in others. Perhaps the most effective action I took to develop confidence and Inner Game was learning to speak publicly. Public speaking and learning to be an effective storyteller is one of the most important skills you will develop in your life, and it will impact all aspects of your personality.
Join a club such as Toastmasters, take every opportunity to speak publicly at work or with any social groups. It can be highly uncomfortable, and will take a while to develop comfort, but it is the ultimate investment in yourself.
6. Willingness to lead and endure personal discomfort. You develop Inner Game by doing difficult things that make you uncomfortable on a consistent basis. It’s the price of admission. It sounds simplistic, but many believe that they’ll become more assured by simply shifting their mindset.
This is a faulty way of thinking.
There has to be substance behind it all. Avoiding discomfort, conflict, and the call to lead is easy, but the hangover is an increased sense of shame. The upfront cost of being a leader is fear, but the reward of knowing you are able to accomplish what others can’t despite your doubts is essential to your masculine identity.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider purchasing my book, The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man:
https://www.amazon.com/Foundation-Blueprint-Becoming-Authentically-Attractive/dp/B0BZFCW8WG