The Ultimate Guide to Game
A compilation of previous articles on Inner Game, Cold Approach, Online Game, Date Game, and Sex Game
In my opinion, the term Game is severely misrepresented. It’s often associated with manipulation, lying, and general dishonesty to sleep with women.
Are there elements of manipulation involved on occasion? Sure.
However, I prefer to correlate Game with knowledge. Game is the understanding of what sparks a woman’s emotions, how to effectively handle the inevitable tests she throws your way, and how to escalate your dynamic with her in a sexual manner (without being creepy).
Make no mistake— women WANT their men to have Game. Women are drawn to men who are desired by other women. Guys will often suppress or hide their sexual magnetism and Game when they want to be with a woman long term, in order to show her that she’s special to him. This is a mistake. She wants to settle down with the guy that other women want.
Women seek competence in their men. Game is a powerful demonstration of social competence, in a time when men are generally terrified of women.
In modern dating, there are several pillars of Game that men need to master in order to have a healthy, fulfilling dating life rife with abundance:
Inner Game
Online Game
Cold Approach (Day Game)
Date Game
Sex Game
In this article, I’ve compiled several of my previous articles on the Pillars of Game, as a Thank You to my paid subscribers. Cheers - M.O.
The Fundamentals of Inner Game
Inner Game is your constitution as person, your knowledge and awareness of that constitution, and your outward actions that align with that knowledge. In simpler terms, Inner Game is steadfast assuredness in who you are, which is reflected through the majority of your actions, particularly during challenging situations.
It goes beyond just having confidence with women. Men absolutely need Inner Game to stand a chance at all in today’s modern world— whether it’s in the corporate world, dealing with friends or family, pursuing dreams, entrepreneurship, athletics—virtually all aspects of aspects of men’s lives require a thoroughly developed Inner Game in order to not get crushed.
Men rarely get external validation, praise, or even slight thanks in today’s world. Yet, our value to society is solely determined by what we accomplish and are able to provide to others. Excellence is expected of us, and that excellence is almost always driven internally. It’s a tall order—especially when the external narrative surrounding men in society is largely negative.
I’ve given a lot of thought to Inner Game, what it is, and how to develop it. The first fifty pages of my book, The Foundation: A Blueprint for Becoming an Authentically Attractive Man, were dedicated to Inner Game. Even in the short handful of years since its release, my understanding and opinions on Inner Game have evolved, and will likely continue to change over time.
Improving your looks, health, fashion, or learning pickup techniques is fairly straight forward—those are more a matter of discipline and willingness to experience discomfort. Inner Game is highly personal, and can vary greatly person and person.
Stephen Covey covers an element of this concept in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: The Character Ethic vs. The Personality Ethic. Author Carrie Cabral sums up the concept nicely:
Character Ethic focuses on foundational traits, including integrity, humility, hard work, loyalty, self-control, courage, justice, patience, modesty, and morality.
Personality Ethic emphasizes skills and practices that affect your public image, attitudes, and behaviors. This approach offers quick-fix solutions — how to be more charming, have a more positive outlook, and influence people to do what you want.
I believe Character Ethic and Inner Game are somewhat related, but not entirely the same. In my view, personal integrity is a large component of having developed Inner Game; others may not feel the same, or may have an entirely different interpretation of what integrity is.
The concepts related to Character Ethic are more defined—Inner Game is more personal and more open to interpretation.
Below are my personal pillars on how I developed—and continually work to develop—my own Inner Game.
It’s a never-ending process, and something that is never fully complete. Time, our gathered knowledge and understanding of life will ultimately determine our self-perception, and how we choose to express it. That’s why self-reflection is critical on this topic. I encourage you to use these as guideposts, but to develop and write down your own, and adjust over time.
1. A developed and consistent self identity. To have Inner Game, you have to have a defined self identity. This is where most men falter. They have a vague, under-developed idea of their interests, beliefs, and how they view themselves. This pillar is the most difficult and requires the most reflection. I highly recommend that you write and reflect on the following in detail:
Your personal mission statement
What you stand for, even if it’s unpopular or causes others to dislike you
How you expect to treat others
How you expect to be treated
The things you’re willing to sacrifice for
Be specific, and honest with yourself. Even if no one will ever see it, it’s often very difficult to put these thoughts onto paper.
2. A mental inventories of victories, referenced often. Humans are wired to be self-reflective and critical. It’s how we improve and move forward in life. However, if your internal narrative about yourself always defaults to the negative, you will find that it’s nearly impossible to be self-assured and properly equipped to bring your purpose to fruition.
Identify four or five moments in your life that bring you pride in yourself. Moments where you overcame difficulty, you succeeded after struggle, or you felt pride in who you are. Write a list of these events and visual them. Close your eyes, and become familiar. You will refer to these from now on instead of defaulting to your shortcomings and failures. The brain cannot often distinguish between reality and what we imagine—make sure your internal frame of mind defaults to your victories.
3. A defined sense of purpose. I don’t believe that everyone has one sole purpose; we will have many throughout our lives. Many people struggle to define their purpose, although they likely know what it is. It’s usually something that that they have a natural inclination towards, something that give them a natural fire inside. What holds us back from our purpose is the influence of others. We self-edit and restrict ourselves in fear of judgment of others.
You have to disconnect from this way of thinking as soon as you can. Most people—including those closest to you—will try to dissuade you from pursuing your purpose. It will make them highly uncomfortable. So the issue isn’t figuring out your purpose, but having the balls to enact your dreams, even if it means judgment and ridicule.
4. Physical health and strength. This may not seem like it belongs with the other pillars, but it should likely be placed at number one. You have to have a strong, healthy body in order to have a strong mind. There’s no way around it. You cannot have a powerful inner constitution if your body is neglected. They go hand in hand.
The link between strength training/heavy lifting and mental health is irrefutable at this point. Dedicate yourself to pushing your physical limits regularly, through lifting, team sports, martial arts.
5. Ability to communicate effectively and speak publicly to elicit emotions in others. Perhaps the most effective action I took to develop confidence and Inner Game was learning to speak publicly. Public speaking and learning to be an effective storyteller is one of the most important skills you will develop in your life, and it will impact all aspects of your personality.
Join a club such as Toastmasters, take every opportunity to speak publicly at work or with any social groups. It can be highly uncomfortable, and will take a while to develop comfort, but it is the ultimate investment in yourself.
6. Willingness to lead and endure personal discomfort. You develop Inner Game by doing difficult things that make you uncomfortable on a consistent basis. It’s the price of admission. It sounds simplistic, but many believe that they’ll become more assured by simply shifting their mindset.
This is a faulty way of thinking.
There has to be substance behind it all. Avoiding discomfort, conflict, and the call to lead is easy, but the hangover is an increased sense of shame. The upfront cost of being a leader is fear, but the reward of knowing you are able to accomplish what others can’t despite your doubts is essential to your masculine identity.
Online Game: How to Elevate Your Online Dating Success
I had a lot of experience meeting women through online dating. Below are some observations, recommendations for success, and mistakes I made.
1. Online dating is not serious. View online dating purely as an additional avenue to gain experience, and not as your primary means of meeting women-- more as a supplement to meeting women in public, through friends, activities, or other avenues.
A lot of guys get discouraged because they don't get matches, or get matched, but there is no additional communication after. From my observation, a lot of women hate the fact that they are resorting to online dating, and don't take it seriously at all. Another significant portion are using it for attention or validation, and have no real intention of meeting with anyone, it's a distraction for amusement. Don't take any type of flaky behavior or conversation ghosting personally, or as a reflection of your attractiveness.
ALL guys encounter ghosting and non-responsiveness with online dating, no matter how attractive. It's just the nature of it. Put some effort into your profile, but after that, view it as a way to gain experience dating until you meet someone you're really into, whether you meet them in public or through online dating. Have a little fun, and realize that online dating is inherently ridiculous. It’s all one big experiment.
2. Some element of your profile should be polarizing: Meaning, there is something in the profile that someone wouldn't expect normally. Almost like you don’t care if you get any matches or not. For example, when I met my girlfriend, my profile had a picture of me dressed as a Ninja Turtle at a party. It wasn't something that portrayed me as a hot guy, but it was a conversation starter, and it showed that I was social, fun, and had confidence enough to not give a fuck if I looked ridiculous. You can also put a statement or question your profile that is somewhat absurd, sarcastic, or slightly out of context. There has to be a little bit of balance, though. You don't want to go too far off into left field, be too sexual, or creepy. On the scale of polarity, if a 10 is too out there, then you want to be at like a 7 or an 8 at most. Keep in mind, this approach will likely lower your overall number of matches, but the matches you do get will be with more attractive women.
Related note on nostalgia: A lot of women seemed to be drawn to nostalgia from their childhood. If your profile references a specific piece of pop culture knowledge from the 90's or whenever you grew up in a clever manner, the reaction was positive.
3.Picture types: In general, pictures should be clear, high quality, and show most of your (clothed) body. Shirtless, bathroom selfies, and selfies in general should be avoided if possible. I experienced the most receptiveness when I had the following 'categories' of pictures in my profile:
- I have my shit together' pic:Include picture where you are dressed up in a dress shirt, suit, or a tie, some sort of formal wear. This conveys status and maturity.
-The polarizing or whimsical pic: These work best if you are in some sort of social setting or gathering. You don't want to conjure up images of Buffalo Bill in his room playing dress up alone in Silence of the Lambs. Whatever kind of picture it is, you want to convey that you are fun, and confident enough to look ridiculous or be yourself socially without fear. This might turn off some, but it will help you stand out.
-*The animal (preferably dog) pic: It was astounding how many attractive women professed love for dogs. Don't be that guy who gets a dog just for the sake of meeting women, but if you have a natural looking picture where you're interacting with an animal, be sure to include it.
-The masculine pic: Highly attractive, feminine women are attracted to masculine men. Guys who are kind and fun (animal and whimsical pics), but have some edge as well. This doesn't mean you have to take a photoshoot scowling on a motorcycle, but choose a picture where you are competing, displaying strength, or encountering danger (rock climbing for instance).
4. Honest opinion of the apps: By far, I met the most women from Hinge. In my view, the girls on Hinge were most consistently cute or decent-looking, and also were the most stable, 'girlfriend' material-type girls, even though I don't believe you should actively look for a girlfriend online, if it happens, it happens. Hinge was the best format for starting conversations, with the most control of how you could reach out to someone. However, while I didn't meet the most women, the most highly attractive women--including my girlfriend--I met on Bumble. Activity on Bumble seemed to come in waves, some weeks were dead, while others were extremely active with matches. Not sure if was the algorithm or what, but Bumble was hot and cold.
In my opinion, Tinder is a portal to Hell. Some guys might have success, but I think it's a gigantic waste of time. I abandoned Tinder after a week. I also tried Ok Cupid, and found it to be almost just as bad.
5. Be selective in who you swipe right or reach out to: It's tempting to blindly swipe right, or try to start a conversation with every moderately cute girl you see, but the best strategy is to only proactively try to accept women you find particularly attractive, or interesting. This not only helps your chances systemically, but also helps maintain confidence. If you swipe right on 100 girls, and only get matched with one, it can be somewhat demoralizing. Personally, I'm most attracted to and connect best with women from foreign cultures. I put most of my effort into women who came from a culture outside the U.S., being very cautious that the profile was legit.
6. Hinge specific: use questions or short statements; if commenting on a photo: Don't be overly effusive with praise about a girl's looks, just like in the real world. Over the top, general statements like 'You are so gorgeous!" don't work very well. She already knows she's gorgeous. Comment on something she's wearing, or a particular feature, like her smile. Ask a short, interesting question about the picture. You want to be different and stand out. If you have to give a compliment, make it short, no exclamation points or emojis. One thing I found that worked with some attractive Hispanic girls was to just one word comment 'Linda', which means pretty.
7. Have specific date plans in mind, give your number. This will be debated, but I feel it's best to just give your number first after you build some rapport through messaging, instead of suggesting you exchange numbers. It makes her feel safer and shows confidence. Before giving your number, ask her out in the form of a statement, with a specific date plan in mind. Some examples:
"Let's meet up for drinks this weekend if you're available. I usually like (place) or (place), open to suggestions though. My number is..."
"I'm busy (list several days, make your availability limited), but free on (day) if you're open to meeting up. I've been wanting to go (place). My number is..."
Enjoy, be safe and on guard for scams, don't discount online dating, or use it as your only option either. I met a fantastic person unexpectedly, and you can as well.
8.Try not to plan dates more than two days in advance. The chance of flaking and ghosting rises exponentially the more days pass after you first match. Don’t be desperate or pushy about it, but you don’t want to be an endless penpal. Some messaging and banter needs to happen back and forth, but focus on being witty and slightly self-amused in your messaging. Do some light teasing. You don’t want to give your life story or spill your guts. You need to maintain an air of mystery—she should want to get to know you more. Plan the date and get to know her in person, not on chat.
Online Game: Online Dating Messaging Strategy for Turning Matches into Dates (Guest Post)
By Nomad.
**This is what I do with every single match I get on a dating app and has resulted in many dates and very few ghosts/flakes:**
Every time I get a match, I use the same opener.
I say something like "heyy how's it going? Just wanna say that I love your vibe".
Girls eat that shit up because it's not a compliment about their looks (which every other guy will give), but rather the personality they give off in their photos/bio. Plus, they love the term “vibe”, just think of the expression “good vibes only,”
Anyway, they usually say thanks and say something similar about me too and then I have a little discussion with them. Common general topics include how their week/weekend is going or where they're from, and then asking follow-up questions based on that. I don't really bother trying to come up with questions based on something in their photos or bio.
*Note: if it was Bumble we matched on and they open with (something other than “hey”) - see my post on low effort openers
Then I acknowledge their opener before dropping mine. It’s rare that I don’t drop that line on them because I find that it makes a great first impression on her that sets me apart from other guys.*
Now a lot of guys make the mistake of spending way too much time chatting on the dating app. The key is to have a simple conversation to demonstrate that you’re not a creep, loser, or idiot (i.e. just show her that you’re a chill, normal dude) and then ask the girl out.
Girls are on dating apps to date so if they’ve swiped right on you and are responsive to your messages, then they will want to go out with you, but you will kill that attraction quickly if you drag the conversation on for too long without taking action (or open the convo with something stupid).
Anyway, after a little back and forth, I'll usually say something like "hey let's get off this app and get together sometime."
When they agree, I'll then ask them for their IG to figure out the time and place. Then I follow them and wait for them to follow back.
**I almost never ask them for their number instead of their IG and here's why:**
Everything you can do via texting, you can also do via IG DMs. However, IG offers so much more to build rapport and maintain attraction than texting does. First of all, it gives the girl more of a look into your life as well as more photos of you to reassure them that you're not a catfish (this is also useful for you to make sure they're not a catfish either). Secondly, stories are an amazing tool for maintaining attraction before a date as you can comment on what they're up to and vice-versa, which is great for finding excuses to chat with them.
The other features like sending gifs, reels, memes, and having read receipts are also useful. In general, I find that DMing on IG instead of just texting does a way better job of preventing flaking. It also makes it easier to know if a girl is avoiding/ghosting you in general as if she’s not responding to your messages, but still reading them or posting stories, then you know she’s probably lost interest and you can move on from her.
Anyway, once she follows me back on IG, I'll continue the conversation with her and eventually set up the time and place for the date (and if she never follows me back, I just assume she’s not interested and move on). For the date, I find out where she lives and pick an inexpensive bar that isn’t too far from my place, but still easy for her to get to, and I schedule it for after dinner, but not too late (so between 7pm and 8pm usually).
*Note: I try to schedule a date within the next few days, but sometimes I have to keep a connection warm for over a week as she is busy that week or I have other things going on (or other girls to date lmao). This is another reason why IG is so much better than texting. It's so much easier to maintain attraction via IG.*
Once the date is scheduled, I don't just go cold turkey as many guys here like to preach. I usually continue the conversation we were already having or start up a new one, letting it run its course. And if something else comes up before the date that I wanna chat about, I simply chat about it. I don't follow arbitrary texting rules, I text when I feel like it. As long as you don't act needy or bring up any RAPE topics (religion, abortion, politics, or economics), you'll be fine.
**The key is to match the girl's energy. If she texts a lot, keep up with her. If she doesn't, then tone it down.**
If it's 2 or more days away, I will also send a message in the morning on the day of (sometimes the day before) to confirm that the date is still on. This is very important as it weeds out any potential flakes and in the off-chance that she does flake, it gives you enough time to find a plan B in case you have another girl that you wanna see. I usually give her until 3pm that day before I make other plans.
It's pretty simple and straightforward and as I said, I rarely experience flakes or ghosts anymore doing it this way.
How to Succeed at Cold Approach
Some simple pointers and observations about approaching women:
Vibe and frame of mind are paramount. It doesn’t matter whether you are direct, indirect, or what you say. If your internal frame of mind is shit, it will express itself in some manner—in the tension in your eyes, your voice, your posture. Do everything you can to get the frame of being in love with your life.
Be mindful of space and physical proximity. Don’t come from behind suddenly or crowd her space. If she doesn’t notice you, always have a comfortable amount of space and get her attention from the side. Never tap on the shoulder, jump in front of her, yell at her from the back.
Be polite and casual when introducing yourself. “Hey, excuse me…” You have to make sure you PROJECT YOUR VOICE. Like countless other guys, I’ve had experiences where I was timid and the woman didn’t really hear me when I tried to get her attention. It starts things off on a bad foot, and already makes the woman confused and uneasy. Be clear.
Don’t dwell. Talk to her within 3-8 seconds of noticing her. This of course isn’t a strict rule, but the more you wait, the longer you have to overthink and psych yourself out.
Open with a question. Ask her opinion on something, or something you notice about her (clothes, purchase she made, overall energy) in PLAYFUL way.
Another conversation point to use is to make a cold read, which is kind of a playful observation that has a positive connotation. “You look like you have a confident energy about you.” Yes, it’s slightly simpish and feeds her ego, but in my experience making an observation or guess that is a semi-compliment makes women open up slightly.
…Or make a humorous observation about something in your surroundings if you’re in close proximity inside. “Why are there so many different types of toothpaste?” (in a store setting)
My personal experience, opening direct (when you state that you find her attractive upfront) can either be powerful, or can make the woman feel uncomfortable and cornered. Unless you are in CONFIDENT/socially calibrated frame of mind, direct is not the way to go imo.
Mind trick for nerves. Imagine she’s someone you already know or have dated and there’s already mutual attraction.
Don’t be outcome dependent. You’re not trying to make her like you. Have a fun, flirtatious conversation and see where things go. This goes back to mind frame. If you are simply enjoying flirting and talking with an attractive woman, letting things unfold and being in the moment, you will be far more relaxed and put her at ease.
Make a habit of talking to all strangers, not just people you’re attracted to. This will help you have a friendly, social vibe and will help with nerves. If you have the mindset that you are outgoing and social with everyone, and your interaction with this woman is part of your regular routine, it will be far more natural. You have to get in the habit of striking up conversations with strangers and be socially calibrated. You will be climbing a much steeper hill otherwise.
Smile (naturally) and hold good eye contact. This is important. You don’t want to glare at her and smile like a cretin, but you to project warmth and confidence when talking.
Don’t drag it out—use time constraints. I have to go finish doing some things…how about we…(suggest an activity)
I think getting a hard workout or being physical beforehand is an underrated way to get you in the right frame of mind. Your mind will be more clear, you body language will be more on point, you will be riding high on endorphins.
A lot of guys are afraid of getting blown out— or worse— getting accused of harassment. If you are respectful, maintain proper distance, and don’t try to force things when she declines, this is an overblown fear. Women LIKE talking to guys who have game and give them some attention. It makes them feel attractive themselves. It’s when guys have a thirsty, creepy, aggressive, or overly nervous vibe is where they get into trouble.
Note on Direct or Indirect. I don’t think there is a one-size-fits all, best approach. It depends on your personality, your frame of mind, the environment you’re in. Although most in the dating community advocate for direct.
Pros of Direct: When done right, it’s bold and spikes her emotions more than indirect. If you wind up on date from a Direct approach, she already knows your intent, and it’s an indication she has a higher interest and is reciprocal.
Cons of Direct: Can make a woman feel cornered and uncomfortable quickly. You tell her you find her attractive. Ok, so what? It can also give away your mystery and power. It’s greater risk, greater reward.
Truthful observations about cold approach. Cold approach will not save your dating/social, although it is an important skill to develop. Even if you reach a higher level, the majority (not vast, but still a majority) will still end in a polite decline or they’ll say that they have a boyfriend. In terms of pure dating numbers, having your online dating profile(s) dialed in is still the absolute best way to more get more dates and have more sex. Guys who bash online dating suck at it, if you’re good, it’s a goldmine of opportunity.
Where Cold Approach has an advantage over online is that it helps you have more control of the women you can interact with, you’re not at the mercy of an algorithm for your options. Also, when you are successful at an approach, or even are declined but she reacts to you positively, it is an incredibly powerful feeling. Cold approach can be a component of your lifestyle that will help you build your identity and confidence as an attractive man.
15 Points to Get Better at Cold Approach
Mindset is key. How you feel internally is the most important factor in everything. What you say isn’t nearly as important as your vibe and outlook on life in that moment. If you feel like shit, or don’t feel attractive, it will display in your mannerisms in some manner. I always recommend getting in strenuous physical activity before you approach. You’ll be riding an endorphin high, you’ll feel more confident and your body language will be on point.
Don’t put the approach on a pedestal. A lot of guys go out there and psych themselves out by waiting around nervously until they get the nerve to approach. Make the approaches part of your day, not the end objective. Attractive guys go out into the world, have fun, and chat up attractive women when the opportunity arises.
Warm up. Make a habit of talking to all strangers, not just people you’re attracted to. This will help you have a friendly, social vibe and will help with nerves.
Be mindful of space and physical proximity. Don’t come from behind suddenly or crowd her space.
Don’t be timid with your voice— you don’t need to yell, but a lot of guys let nerves take over and speak too softly. Either go all in, or not at all.
Be polite and casual when introducing yourself. “Hey, excuse me…”
Don’t dwell. Talk to her within 3-5 seconds of noticing her, if possible.
Open with a question. Ask her opinion on something, or something you notice about her (clothes, purchase she made, overall energy)
Or make a humorous observation about something in your surroundings if you’re in close proximity inside. “Shit, why are there so many different types of toothpaste?” (Target)
Mind trick for nerves. Imagine she’s someone you already know or have dated and there’s already mutual attraction
If you’re nervous about being direct, lead with a playful “This is really random…” Some might say this demonstrates a lack of self-assuredness, but if done in a fun, light manner, it shows self-awareness and will make her more at ease.
Don’t be outcome dependent. You’re not trying to make her like you. Have a fun, flirtatious conversation and see where things go.
Smile (naturally) and hold good eye contact without glaring. This is important.
Be mindful of your posture and vocal tonality. Don’t sway, fidget, or bury hands in your pocket. With your body movements and vocal patterns, think, slow, expansive, relaxed, purposeful.
Don’t drag it out-use time constraints. I have to go finish doing some things…how about we…(suggest an activity)
Date Game: A Guide to Not Overthinking on Dates
Most adult men never stop acting like teenagers when it comes to dating.
Think about how you felt when you first started on your dating journey. Inexperienced teenagers are always incredibly nervous, consumed with impressing their date, treat the date as a life-or-death situation. If she doesn’t fall in love after the date, he’s missed out on a future with the potential love of he’s blown it. Unfortunately, a good percentage of men never grow out of this.
hey date to impress, forget about their own needs, and place the woman on a pedestal.
I believe this can all be traced back to a scarcity mentality—the belief that the woman you are on a date with is your last shot. No other attractive woman will want to date you, it’s over. This irrational fear clouds most guys’ perception of reality. There are 7 billion people on the planet, approximately have of which are women. It is insane to believe that your one Tinder match was your only opportunity at happiness.
No wonder so many guys psych themselves out and act awkward.
A few simple mindset shifts completely altered my dating life. Dating frames with an objective—girlfriend, future wife, relationship, etc.— always leads to disaster. The more you plan and fantasize, the more you shoot yourself in the foot.
Here are some mindset shifts to stop acting like an uptight dweeb on dates:
Every date is a win. No matter what happens, you have a new story, a new lesson, and an opportunity to sharpen your social skills for when you meet someone who is suited for you. If you bomb and act awkward, you have a funny story as you gain more experience. Who gives a shit. Be an experience collector. If a woman you (hopefully) find attractive agrees to spend time alone with you, you’ve already won to a degree. When you start losing is when you treat the date a trial for a relationship/
Don’t fantasize, or place expectation on things. Fantasizing is poison. It always makes things awkward, reality never aligns with fantasy. Stay in the moment, let things develop, have fun. If you start placing your romantic hopes on a woman you just met prematurely, of course you’re going to get nervous. You know nothing about her. Become detached from expectation.
Only focus on fun. Your sole objective is to have much fun as you can, and do what you can to make her feel comfortable and have fun as well. That’s it. Why the fuck are you even there if you’re not having fun? First dates are inherently a little awkward, but there’s no reason that should impact your ability to have fun. Embrace it.
She’s not the prize. As mentioned in the intro, guys get into this approval seeking mindset on dates, where their primary objective is to impress or win her over. She has as much to prove as you do. Do you have fun with her? Is she interesting? Is she irritating. If a woman is attractive, it’s easy to fall into trap of believing that you’re just lucky to be there, but this is mistake. Beauty is common. There will be other opportunity is this doesn’t work.
There is abundance out there. A lot of guys struggle with this. But as you gain more experience and momentum in your dating life, this concept will become more and more apparent. For this reason, I always encourage guys to maximize opportunity and keep options open when available. Until you are in a relationship, the best strategy is date as much as possible. Nobody is owed your commitment until you are in established relationship. Scarcity enhances perception. You go on a date with an attractive woman, but you haven’t had much opportunity in a long time, she suddenly becomes the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met. If you’re dating two other equally attractive women, that same woman isn’t as elevated.
Commitment to emotional freedom and being yourself. Being trapped in a relationship with someone who you have to change yourself for is an emotional prison. Commitment to your own needs and emotional freedom has to be a redline you set from the very beginning. It may not even be her fault, but if you can’t relax, be yourself, be goofy around, it isn’t worth it—no matter how physically attractive she is. Don’t force something that isn’t there because of neediness. Your personal freedom has to be paramount at all times.
Date Game: Stop Turning Dates Into Interviews
Open-ended questions (Who, What, When, Where, How) are an effective social tool.
Since these type of questions don’t have a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer involved, they allow for the conversation to open up in different directions.
Additionally, they allow the person asking the questions to drive the direction of the conversation. The person doing the most of the talking is the one who is in the passive position in the conversation.
Although there are benefits to asking questions on dates, guys often use them as a crutch, and the results aren’t great. They resort to asking a series of questions without providing any of their own experiences, opinions, or input.
For example:
Unattractive Guy: So, do you enjoy traveling?
Woman: I love traveling!
Unattractive Guy: Cool, where do you like to travel?
Woman: Um, well I went to Peru last summer…
Unattractive Guy: That’s amazing. What was your favorite part?
Woman: I guess visiting the museums in Lima.
Unattractive Guy: What was the most interesting exhibit you saw?
Woman: **Getting annoyed** I don’t know, I saw a lot
Unattractive Guy: That sounds cool, I’d like to travel there sometime.
Woman: **Feeling awkward** Yeah you should.
Now, let’s contrast with how Attractive Guy asks questions:
Attractive Guy: I usually try to travel somewhere different a few times a year. Have you been anywhere interesting recently?
Woman: I actually went to Peru!
Attractive Guy: That’s amazing did you try some Guinea Pig (said in a playful way)
Woman: *Laughs* No, I wasn’t that adventurous!
Attractive Guy: So when we go next time I’ll be the adventurous one and try it…
Woman: I think I’m the adventurous one
Attractive Guy: (Playfully) I’m not convinced. So if we’re only going to one place in Peru, where are you picking?
Woman: Hmm, probably….
In summary, this is how Attractive Guy asks questions vs. Unattractive Guy—
Unattractive Guy:
Asks questions like an interviewer
Keeps asking just to keep conversation going
Generic, boring questions
Not playful, stiff and straightforward
Doesn’t add own insight or anything else to conversation
Attractive Guy:
Playful but genuine
Demonstrates expertise or knowledge of subject, even if it’s limited. This demonstrates value.
Adds own opinions and insight
Playfully frames some questions using ‘us’ or ‘we’ to reiterate message of bonding.
Uses playful disqualification framing himself as the adventurous one
Date Game: Subtle touch, flirting, teasing, and eye contact - the basics of escalation
Sometimes a date will go really well—the conversation flows, you both laugh, you have fun—however, the next day you get the “You’re a great guy, but..” text. This can be utterly confusing. I’ve been there.
Having fun and making her laugh is not enough. Making her laugh is only one component of attraction. Some guys make the mistake of believing being funny is the primary component.
She not only wants have fun, but feel an emotional spark. This can’t be done alone by making her laugh, or going to interesting places. There are several components to laying the foundation of engaging her emotions.
- Subtle, playful, incremental touch. A light hug when meeting her, playfully touching her arm while laughing. This component is crucial. However, it has to make sense in the context of your interaction, or it will come off as being creepy. Touching her hands within the first several minutes of sitting down is an example.
Once some comfort has been established, do a playful ‘princess style’ hand hold. Lightly place your hands under hers. I think it’s best to just go for it, but if you’re uncomfortable, ask her if a piece of jewelry she’s wearing has any meaning, or compliment her on her nails or jewelry.
Touch of the hands is POWERFUL when it comes to sparking emotion.
If you’re walking, leading by putting your hand on her back lightly if you’re crossing a road or walking to different area shows leadership and has a protective quality at the same time.
- Teasing and flirting. There is a difference between teasing and negging. A neg usually involves a backhanded compliment about her appearance that is meant to make her self conscious. It’s subtle mental manipulation and is unethical. When you tease, you’re both in on the joke. Think of the way you tease someone when you’re in a relationship. When you like someone, it’s a natural behavior to lightly make fun of each other and have fun.
Use that same type of energy. If she makes a joke that doesn’t stick, or says something dorky, look away jokingly as if you’re frightened, or for split second act like you’re getting out of your seat to leave. Teasing and flirting go hand in hand. You want to convey subtle sexual energy, though the way you look at her while you’re laughing and teasing. Use restraint; you don’t want to constantly be teasing one another. Ask her open ended questions as well.
- Eye contact. In studies, participants (who were strangers) that were placed in a room and stared into each other’s eyes reported feeling increased feelings of affection after prolonged eye contact. The importance of eye contact can’t be overstated. You don’t want to glare, but you should be maintaining steady eye contact throughout 90% of your conversation, looking away periodically so things don’t appear unnatural. While she’s talking look at her eyes, and then briefly look at her lips, and then back to her eyes. This conveys desire, while helping break the eye contact so it doesn’t turn into staring.
- Additional factors. The more she can relax, feel safe and comfortable around you, the better:
Demonstrate competence and leadership by handling the date logistics (where, when, etc.)
Be a good listener. Stay present, retain what she says, don’t focus on trying to impress her
Be relaxed, don’t be stiff and nervous. If she can sense that you’re intimidated, she’ll feel less secure around you. Have fun and relax, you’ll be the most attractive version of yourself.
The objective is to continue the date back at your place of hers. Don’t be ashamed of wanting to be sexual. Sex should be an objective of your dates if you don’t want to be just a platonic friend. Make sure your place is clean and conducive to making her feel relaxed. Pick date locations that aren’t too out of the way to your place.
Sex Game: Building Tension
Fingering is usually thought of a mild activity that teenagers engage in when discovering sex for the first time, not a key component of foreplay between experienced adults.
Many guys mistakenly associate foreplay with being a submissive, weak behavior that puts their own pleasure as an afterthought. These type of men are fools. Skipping foreplay is not dominant behavior.
Slowly building anticipation, kissing, touching, and using fingers to rub and stimulate their woman are crucial for the most satisfying sex. She will be wetter, less inhibited, and feel more bonded to you because she will associate you with pleasing her and engaging her emotions.
Here are some of the ways that I have personally found to be most effective. All women are different. Communicate, be observant of how she reacts, and see what she likes.
While kissing, sucking on her nipples, and kissing her neck, use your index and middle fingers to rub the general area of the head of the clitoris in a broad, gentle, yet firm clockwise motion. You don’t need to target the clit exactly yet, just build tension by stimulating her with this motion in the general and kissing her.
After a few minutes, use those same fingers in a more slightly more vigorous vertical motion in the same area.
Enter her using your index and middle finger And use a ‘come here motion’, brushing up against the upper wall of her vagina ( imagine she’s lying on her back). This area is the over mythicized G-spot, which is a part of the clitoral nerves inside the vagina. Instead of using a come hither motion, you can also use the same fingers to press up against the upper vaginal wall with a pulsing, heartbeat-like rhythm
The upper ‘pinch’. If she is on her back, enter with only your index finger and use the ‘come hither’ motion mentioned previously. Simultaneously, use your thumb in clockwise motion that brushes over her clitoris. This requires a little coordination. When you are bringing your index finger back, you are moving over with your thumb, kind of like you’re pinching with the fleshy part your index finger and thumb, but not with the tips.
The lower or ‘perineal’ pinch. I learned this from the book ‘She Comes First’. If she is on her back, you enter using your index finger stimulating the lower ‘wall’ of the vagina, while your thumb ‘pinches’ the outside part, above her asshole. The feedback I’ve gotten on this is that it’s not as pleasurable as the ‘upward’ motion, but still provides a unique stimulation that hasn’t been experienced.
Adding oral. Using your tongue to flutter on the head of her clit while using the ‘come hither’ or the ‘perineal pinch’ motion will bring things full circle. However, if she indicates she is ready for intercourse, keep her waiting a few more minutes. Confidently, yet playfully say, “I’m not done yet.” This will bring with tension level higher, which will make the sex even hotter.
Advanced: Becoming a Sex God
Slowing down and Building Tension
Guys will rush right into penetration without the gradual building of sexual tension, without going down on her or using fingers to get her closer to orgasm.
Slow the fuck down…
The first part of building tension is kissing sensually. Kiss slowly, enjoy the moment. Don’t overdo it, but pull back a little occasionally, make her go in. Stop a little bit before kissing her, tease her a little with the kissing.
If she’s undressed, it’s important that you pay attention to the erogenous zones of her body, not just the pussy. Continue to build the tension and mystery as you take your own clothes off. Take one article of clothing like your shirt off first. It’s unattractive and eager-looking if you just stand up in front of her and yank your clothes off eagerly.
Gently caress and kiss parts of her body and see how she reacts. You don’t need to awkwardly play the game of “let me try this spot, now this spot.” let things flow naturally. Kiss and suck on her nipples, kiss and caress (or gently bite) sensitive areas like her ear or her neck. Explore. Make it an experience for her. The more tension you build, the wetter she’ll get. She’ll be more enthusiastic and the sex will be better for you as well.
Fingering and Rubbing
Your fingers are your greatest asset in terms of stimulating her, ramping up her desire for sex, and helping her get wet. Fingering isn’t just something you do as a teenager when discovering sex for the first time.
There are tens of thousands of nerve endings on the head of the clitoris, and there are far fewer touch-sensitive nerves on the inside of the vagina. So despite what you see in porn, a good majority of a woman’s sexual pleasure is derived from the sensations of the clitoris, not getting her pussy jackhammered, to put it in elegant terms.
Once you’ve built tension by kissing and exploring other parts of her body, move your hand slowly down to her pubic area. Start rubbing around the area of the clitoris with your index and middle finger in small, but gentle circular motions.
If she isn’t wet yet, lick your fingers to get some lubrication down there. As you go along, she’ll get more and more wet, you’ll be able to use three fingers instead of two, and the circles you make with them can be broader and broader. The wetter she gets, the more pressure you can apply, and have faster, broader, circular motions with your fingers.
At this point, she’s already likely wet on the inside. In my experience, many of the women we’ve been with LOVE being fingered as part of foreplay.
First of all, make sure your grooming is on point, at the very least clip your nails as part of your regular grooming process. It will be very unpleasant and a turnoff for her if you have long, unkempt nails.
You can use a variation of different fingering “methods”:
Index and middle together
Index only
Middle finger only
Although you could technically choose to use your pinky or ring finger, however,those might not be the best logistical choices unless you’re introducing ass play.
This method of fingering I’ve found works best:
Just using your middle finger, put it inside and apply light pressure to the top wall of her vagina (assuming she’s on her back). Just hold it there, while you’re kissing. Then, use a heartbeat rhythm (ba-bum, ba--bum) every 7 seconds or so (don’t need to actually count) then resume keeping pressure on the upper wall using your finger when you stop
Your middle finger works best because it’s the longest, and you’ll have better control and reach with just one. So essentially you’re consistently putting pressure on the upper wall of her vagina, which is the most sensitive part. After a few minutes, make the pulsating, heartbeat like rhythm more frequent, with less stops. But this starting and stopping of the rhythm, while still applying pressure will tease her and build tension in a good way.
If she’s really wet, you can use both hands to finger and rub her at the same time. For example, you could use your right hand to finger her, using the method we just discussed, while using your thumb with your left hand can be used to rub her clit in the circular motion we discussed too. Some women might think that’s a little too much going on at one time, but try it out if you want to add an extra element.
Heart shaped rubbing motion
One method I’ve come discovered recently thanks to my girl is a game-changer. There has to be a lot of lubrication around the area. Instead of rubbing the clitoris in a circular motion, or with a vertical motion, use your index and middle finger to rub in a heart shaped motion. When you start the motion, it will almost feel like you’re squeezing her clitoral hood between your index and middle finger, then squeeze your fingers as you move down—ie a heart shaped motion. This is difficult to describe in writing, but try it. I admittedly don’t know if there’s an official name for this, or more well-known name for this technique, but try it out.
Oral
Just like fingering, it’s a myth that ALL women like receiving oral sex. Especially if you just met, she might be self-conscious, or you might not even want to, especially since you really don’t know her hygiene habits yet. If you are both into it though though, then proceed.
There’s a lot of ways to skin a cat, so to speak, when it comes to pleasing a woman with oral sex. Poor choice of words, but the bottom line is that there are a lot of ways to make her feel good.
I always find that fingering while stimulating the clit with the tongue is really good for a lot of women. Using the fingering method we covered earlier of applying pressure to the upper wall of her vagina, while fluttering your tongue in a consistent rhythm on her clit is killer. The biggest mistakes guys make when they give oral is that they’re too erratic/all over the place with the rhythm, or they’re not firm enough, or too soft with their tongue.
Another method is to suck on her clit while licking it. This provides more pressure/stimulation that licking alone doesn’t provide. Combine both as part of your oral strategy.
Get her to orgasm (or close to it) BEFORE you begin to have sex
A lot of guys worry that it they make a woman come before sex, she’ll lose her desire to actually have sex, and he’s fucked himself over after putting in a lot of effort to please her.
Women aren’t like that. Guys get post nut clarity after they orgasm and almost immediately lose interest in additional sexual activity, but if she gets close to orgasm, or achieves it, she’ll want even more.
Why is this beneficial? Because she will be dripping wet at this point and the sex will feel amazing for you. She will also be very sensitive down there after orgasm and the sex will be even better for her as well. Everyone wins.
Also, the better the sex is from her perspective, the more of a bond she’ll feel for you because she’ll associate you with powerful physical sensations and will want to have sex with you beyond just one night.