The Delusional Nature of Covert Contracts

Trying to get a response out of someone isn’t authentic action— why you must always be brutally honest with yourself.

I first became aware of the concept of Covert Contracts from Dr. Robert Glover’s classic book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Covert Contracts are unspoken, unconscious agreements where one person expects certain behaviors from another based on their own actions, without explicitly stating these expectations.

The ‘I Love You’ is my favorite Covert Contract example. Parents and people in relationships do this all the time.

They want to hear ‘I love you’ expressed to them by a loved one, so they’ll say it first in hopes of getting the same response.

They’re not saying it to purely express affection and make the other person feel loved with reciprocation. Sure, part of their motivation is to express affection and make the other person feel good, but it’s not the primary objective. Ultimately, it’s fake and disingenuous.

Dr. Glover explains that Nice Guys are guided by three primary Covert Contracts:

“A Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy. Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. Nice Guys are guided by the following three covert contracts:

• If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me).

• If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.

• If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.”

However, No More Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t fully explore one crucial component of Covert Contracts, which is their deceptive nature—not from an external perspective, but an internal one.

We already know that Covert Contracts are deceptive because they falsely convey selfless behavior to others. That’s the external component.

However, the nature of Covert Contracts leads to self-deception and delusion—often times, we convince ourselves that we’re taking authentic action, when in reality the primary objective is to elicit response from someone else. That’s the internal component.

My personal definition of Authentic Action is the following:

“An action taken based on personal belief, set of ethics, or an expression of true desire wholly independent of the response from others”

That means to truly take an authentic action, you have to be wholly detached from your desire to receive acceptance, approval, or positive reaction from someone. It’s easier said than done.

Often times, Covert Contracts may initially seem like the ‘right’ thing to do. You may think you’re being a decent person, you may think you’re advocating for yourself, when in reality you’re trying to impress someone and win their favor.

A trap that Nice Guys fall into is the concept of the being a ‘gentleman’ on the first date who spares no expense. He figures he likes a woman, he convinces himself that he’s being giving by showing her the best time possible, when in reality, he’s keeping tally on why she should reciprocate with her affection:

Expensive dinner- 1 point

Holding the door - 1 point

Getting flowers - 1 point

The list goes on. Deep down, Nice Guy knows that his kind gestures come with an unspoken expectation. However, since these are outwardly kind actions that benefit her in some manner, he believes that they are selfless.

It’s reflective of Dorian Gray—behind the gentleman veneer is a hideous, needy man.

When she doesn’t respond with affection, the Nice Guy will often respond with extreme anger. The veil gets lifted. He will accuse her of being ungrateful, using him, being a gold digger, etc. He didn’t take her on the expensive date because that’s where he wanted to go, or because he genuinely wanted to show her a good time.

It was all founded on an unspoken expectation, even if the outward action seemed like it was meant to be selfless towards her.

There’s another side of the coin.

Nice Guys fall into the Covert Contract trap when they try to convey strength and boundaries, when in fact, they are just avoiding conflict and being upfront with their emotions.

In these scenarios, Nice Guys believe they are displaying their own resolve, but they are being indirect and weak. A great example of this is going ‘No Contact.’ A guy feels disrespected or ignored by a woman he likes, and he stops contacting her as a freeze-out strategy, in hopes she’ll come crawling back after he distances himself.

On the surface, this seems like an action based on self-respect and unwillingness to be taken for granted. Intent in this situation matters.

If a guy goes no contact after he’s truly done and is ready to move on, regardless of how she responds, then this is a position of strength. It’s not an action designed to elicit a response, it’s founded in a belief in his own self worth, which is independent of outcome. It’s guided by principle.

However, if he’s going no contact as a ruse to get her to re-establish communication, it’s a weak Covert Contract, regardless if it gets the desired result or not. It is still an underhanded, dishonest action guided by a desired result. That person’s opinions/reaction are still dictating you life.

Another example I’ve seen is a rigid refusal to pay for expensive first dates. As someone who generally warns against expensive first dates, it can seem confusing on why not entertaining expensive dates can be a Covert Contract.

However, the concept is not always simple. Here’s an example.

Guy refuses to pay for expensive first dates because he doesn’t want to be used.

He wants to set a clear message to anyone he’s dating that he’s not there to be someone’s meal ticket. Even if he wants to occasionally take some of his first dates to a higher end restaurant he enjoys, which he can afford.

This is understandable. On the surface, he is advocating for himself and doesn’t want to be used.

However, his action is primarily driven not by his personal enjoyment, not by a personal preference or belief, but by impressing someone.

People think that a Covert Contract always involves trying to get someone to have a favorable impression, or to like you, but it can involve trying to win respect or admiration, trying to convey a sense of power.

This doesn’t work when your frame is inherently weak and there’s an underlying fear or insecurity in your action.

As I mentioned in the beginning, it’s very difficult sometimes to ascertain between what is authentic, self-advocating action versus behavior that is designed to influence others. In fact, I think it’s impossible to live completely without Covert Contracts from time to time. We’re social creatures, and it’s natural to want to influence others with our behavior.

That being said, it is crucial to always be honest with yourself and not let Covert Contracts dictate the majority of your behavior. If you believe you are a people-pleasing Nice Guy, and genuinely want to change, recognizing Covert Contracts and living with integrity will be an essential part of your recovery.

Here are some general guidelines on Covert Contract vs Authentic Action

Covert contract:

- Action based to be liked or accepted

- Not based on personal beliefs

- Manipulative

- Makes people dislike you

Authentic action:

- Action based on personal code

- Regardless of what others think

- Make not always be nice, but true

- Ironically, some will respect you more

Discussion:

1. Is there a time when you thought you were being honest and authentic, but you were really operating under a Covert Contract?

2. Do you have a personal code of conduct? Is it written down, or general thoughts you hold onto?

3. Do you disagree with any points in the article? For example, if a guy wants to set a boundary of no expensive first dates, do you feel there’s no harm?

4. Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. What are your personal biggest takeaways about the Covert Contracts concept?